From The Heart
I've been in a funk since about mid-December. A very deep, profound, and bothersome funk. It's affected my sleep, my mood, and pretty much affected my life in a way I didn't think was possible for me. But there it is... FUNK. I've dealt with it in a myriad of ways except writing about it. And that's why I'm here, now. I've been silent about this for too long, and if I don't let it out, it will consume me. I've had some very deep feelings for a certain younger lady I'd been romantically involved with for more than a year. And those of you who know me well enough, you know the lady of whom I speak. I took all the good and the bad things that came with her world. I accepted her with my whole heart. Things that concerned her became my concerns. And while I couldn't always be there physically, I always let her know where I stood. Right by her side. When things were at their absolute worst, I let her know that I was there for her. But then, without any warning, she cut me out of her life. She'd entered into a relationship with someone else. What's worse is she couldn't even tell me, I found out after the fact from another social networking site as I was chatting with her on this one. And as I tried to wrap my mind around this discovery, and control my feelings at the same time while trying to talk to her, I only spiraled further and further out of control. The hurt was too deep. The pain was too great. Suddenly, nothing we'd been through or shared meant anything to her anymore. I didn't mean anything to her, anymore.
"The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you...." she said that morning after I found out. When I asked if I had done something wrong, she told me no. But that the last time she tried to talk to me about a relationship, I was clear that I wasn't ready. Mind you, it had been a year ago and never brought up again. But because I didn't "offer her a relationship" and this other person did, she accepted. Had I "offered", she said " It would have made things easier. Instead of feeling like my emotions were rejected yet again." But I didn't reject her emotions. I just didn't get a chance to tell her how I was feeling because the time never seemed right. "I'm sorry. I know that those words will never be enough for the pain I caused but I am.", she said. After that, she shut down. She wouldn't talk to me unless I reached out to her, first. The quality of our conversations changed. I could "feel" the wall almost before it was completed going up between us. She wasn't as open and honest as I'd become accustomed to her being with me. Trying to talk to her became more and more painful. I vented through music, and art, and prose, and poetry. Some of which I shared with her. She would either delete or ignore anything I posted on her page. She thought my moods were "all over the place". "I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't mean to hurt you at all yet I still feel justified in my choice. I should have told you before that my feelings for you had been changing. I do blame myself for that."
In truth, I was quite focused in the direction I was going with my moods. I wanted her to know how I felt, and still did. But none of that seemed to matter to her. Only appearances. And I appeared to be "all over the place". What I really was, was hurt. Badly. There weren't many people I could really talk to about what I was experiencing. But the one person I wanted to talk to, didn't want to talk to me at all. I've finally been able to put some much needed distance between myself and those feelings we shared. Both the good ones, and the painful ones. I've stopped looking at the photos I took of her. They don't make me smile like they used to. I'm sleeping better, now And the things that mattered to her aren't as important to me as they once were. She's not "my responsibility", anymore. If there's anything she feels I should know, she's welcome to reach out and tell me. But I'm not counting on it. Despite what she said to me once about being "family" and "her closest friend", she hasn't been much of a friend to me since this whole thing began. Our paths will cross at some point. Whether by nature's hand, by craft, or by art. But until that day comes, I will press onward.
